wow, i haven't updated in over a year.

well!

i suppose the biggest thing that happened in the last year was that in april i finally worked myself into a critical mass of pressure and desperation that i ended up in the hospital for a couple of days. the actual stay meant nothing, but it's the easiest way to explain how bad my spring semester was (incidentally, trying to legitimize my depression was part of what landed me in the hospital and to be honest it kind of worked).

and then there's this semester, which is pretty much what i imagined college to be when i was a senior in high school. there are so many things that are different that it would take me quite a bit of space to explain it all. but trust me, i'm good.

right now i'm actually learning stuff from my classes that causes me to reassess my worldview, but i have a more or less stable perception of myself. or maybe i think from inside myself more instead of trying to analyze myself from imagined other viewpoints. a different form of self-consciousness.

anyway. not sure how to end this, so i guess i just will.

2010 stuff
currently reading/watching
(first read/watched before 2009)
:D loved it | :) liked it | :\ sort of liked it | :| didn't really like it | :( disliked it | D: hated it

books don't include those read for school.

( books )

( movies )

that is all.

I don't know why I'm on here tonight, but I am. This is finally the LJ post where I say that everything is fine right now. I've been talking to Stephen's brother tonight, and I told him that I am actually happy with my life right now. I don't know how long this feeling will last, but at this moment, it's true.

Yesterday, my cousin and I went shopping, and I spent the night at her house. Today, I found out that I don't need to work this week. This summer has been a waste of time, but perhaps the next two weeks will make up for it. I haven't even looked at the course catalogue, which is terrible. I think about sex a lot, and dream about boys. I read the tumblrs of people I could meet in real life. I wonder what will happen in the fall.

I am just angry and hate my life all the time. Maybe soon I'll have a job.

If I could, I would just vomit out all my worries and sadness or give myself the flu, but that's pretty difficult to do.

Maybe it's time to start taking medication again. My parents have seemed to think I'm mostly better, since they don't question me about therapy anymore, and I don't cry loudly at 2 a.m. and make them groggy for work the next day.

But I still want everything to be over. Anger helps me feel with my self-esteem, because an angry person is always right (to herself). I don't know; living sounds/is scary and dying is scary. Like I had predicted, this summer is butt. Stephen did me no favors when he told me I should live through this mess.

On another note, I now have a full-blown crush. Like, dreaming-about-us-being-together crush. I thought a lot about him before (but was obviously never going to act on it because of Stephen), but now that the impulse is free, I don't mind giving into it every so often. But, being the shy little girl I am, I will probably never tell him about it. My friend did she an opening, but that was in September. If she was right, I wonder if he could bring up interest again? I'd like being friends with him first, though, before I approach any less-than-platonic feelings.

Anyway.

Most of my life revolves around sleeping, not being able to cook for lack of ingredients, and looking to buy a Nintendo DS Lite so I can play Pokemon Heartgold, which is one of the many nice things that Stephen bought me (it was such a weird relationship). I cannot wait for Pokemon Black & White to come out. It will honestly make my life if I can get it on sale, haha. I'm pretty sure I'll have to wait a long long time. Oh well~ When I think about it, all the awesome stuff I'm waiting for is coming out at the end of the summer or in the winter: new Metalocalyse, Skins, Misfits, Harry Potter movie. Makes me sad.

i feel alone and vomity and needy and scared and i just want a boyfriend to hug and cuddle with right now. the night before last, i dreamed about my crush (because that's how frustrated i am) and it was super, it really was. i wanted to feel the same thing last night but then i didn't sleep and now i'm an internal wreck and i still have no job and i spend all day on tumblr and watching stuff, woe is me. i miss them both, i miss cambridge, i miss boys, i hate long island. this summer is gonna majorly suck, and i'm always going to feel behind everyone because my gpa sucks and i didn't do something amazing this summer and I JUST WANT THIS TO BE OVER. i don't deserve anything.

the worst thing about the break-up is that now i have no one to talk to about all this shit. i feel the way i did the day after; alone on the yearbook office (probably in the entire building), fighting off a kenophobic feeling until i had to leave and walk around the river houses for fear of my equally lonely bridge housing. i'm not as bad as i was at that moment, since there are at least people in the house, but i go crazy rather easily. ughhhh i need friends who are online more.

Pfft, I never get to turn people down. Lame. The two weeks is over, but I'd rather not acknowledge it with an attempt at conversation. So I'll tell the rest of the internet instead?

Anyway, I've mostly migrated to Tumblr. Warning: I post nudes/porn/erotica sometimes. Not very often though.

pan broke up with me today. if we had still been together tomorrow, we would have been together for 8 months.

remember how my relationship with pan was going great? not so much anymore.

he says. he *was* in love. so there it is. let's see how long it'll take to be over.